Have you ever wanted to have your very own Bigfoot encounter? Have you ever wanted to become a Bigfoot community pseudo celebrity? Lucky for you, you don’t actually have to have a real encounter to make a believable tale! I’ve put together these 8 easy steps to build an encounter story of your very own!
1) You must claim to be an avid outdoorsman, skilled in the ways of the forest. You must absolutely know and be 100% up-to-date with every known animal and each sound they make, regardless of region and time of year, and be able to identify it at a moments notice, even in the middle of the night in unfamiliar territory. You MUST have this skill so you can immediately determine without question that the animal you heard could be NOTHING other than a giant, 8 foot, 600 lb, undiscovered North American primate.
Example; “The sound I heard was definitely a bigfoot. No doubt about it. It couldn’t have been a coyote because I know what a coyote sounds like. There is no way it was an owl because I know every sound that an owl can possibly make.
2) You must claim to have been struck with some sort of low-frequency infrasound that renders you absolutely useless in any normal human capacity. This means, of course, that you cannot operate your firearm or your camera phone. You simply cannot. Nevermind that no primate in the history of mankind has actually shown the ability to produce infrasound. That doesn’t matter, because…you know…bigfoot.
Example; “I was frozen in my tree stand. I just stared at the creature and it just stared at me. I don’t know why but I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to crush my cellphone with my boot. Because of that, I couldn’t get a picture at all. I can’t believe it. Infrasound, man. Infrasound made me do it.”
3) You must claim that you knew that the creatures intent was something sinister. If the creature just stared at you without making a sound, obviously it was just sizing you up. If you the creature moved closer, of course it was coming to tear you limb from limb. If the creature retreated, it was going for back up or simply luring you into an ambush. Never once has a Sasquatch had ANYTHING other than ill intent towards human beings. You don’t know how you know that…but you just do. Bigfoot is a bloodthirsty, murderous, savage. Period.
Example; “The bigfoot looked right at me. It gave me this look. You know the look I’m talking about. That one where it looks hungry. It was the same look my dog gives me when I dump the kibble into his bowl. Pure, ravenous, animal hunger. Except it wasn’t for kibble. No, it was hungry for human flesh.”
4) You must claim that this wasn’t a normal Sasquatch. Oh no, everyone sees “normal” Sasquatches. What’s the fun in that? You didn’t see any old Sasquatch. You saw a type 3.67. The more fantastic and unique you can make your encounter the better. Everyone knows there are at least 4 types of Bigfoot. The normal “Patty” type Bigfoot just isn’t good enough anymore. Patty is so lame. If you didn’t see a dogman-skunk ape-beaver-squatch, then you may as well have not seen anything at all.
Example; “Here in Southeast (insert state here) we have type 1’s, 2’s, and 3’s. Now, when you go across the county line, everyone sees a type 4. What I saw was some sort of cross between a 1 and 3. You know, a hybrid. Pretty scary. Oh, did I mention these type are the most violent? I didn’t? Well, they are. These things are super bloodthirsty. Like a great white and a Saber-toothed Tiger mixed into one.
5) You must remember that seeing just one Bigfoot in your lifetime is NOT good enough. If you haven’t had multiple encounters then you shouldn’t even report your sighting. If you know what you’re doing then you must at least know where 5-10 creatures are at any one time. That means you need to know when they are going up mountains and coming back down. You need to know when they mate and when they sleep. If someone asks you to take them to see the Bigfoot, you have to take them to your “area”. However, you must remember that when the Bigfoot sees that you’ve brought a visitor, it’s not going to show itself. Make sure your guest knows that as well. You don’t want them to think you are making this stuff up.
Example; “The Bigfoot clan is moving through my research area 4 tomorrow at 7:47 p.m. EST…I’ve been tracking this group since nineteen and seventy-five. They come through research area 4 every May 22nd between 7:45 and 8 p.m.
Except when they don’t.
Oh, you want to see them? Sure, I’ll take you.
Nevermind, this is a leap year. They won’t be back until next year. Sorry.”
6) If you really want a good story, you can even claim to “feel” a Bigfoot instead of seeing one. You thought an encounter required visual components? No way. Ever felt like someone was watching you? Even if you were just in your bathroom? That was a Sasquatch. Serious.
Example; “I was watching the sunset and then I felt something. It was so weird. Weird like a Squatch, that is…”
7) This one is simple. When someone questions your encounter ALWAYS blame the government. Those filthy government agencies that no one has ever heard of or has any proof of ever existing are without a doubt trying to ruin your reputation by covering up every last detail that could support your encounter story.
Example; “There were footprints everywhere, droppings, and Bigfoot hair hanging from every tree limb. Unfortunately, when I came back the next day to collect samples, the area had been totally cleaned and a Wal-Mart Superstore erected in its place. The “Men in Black” had obviously been here. The government is keeping Bigfoot existence under wraps. You know what would happen if the public learned that the creatures were real?! Me either…but it would be bad. America would crumble. For real…”
8) You must always claim fear of ridicule as your main reason for not sharing your encounter with anyone…ever. The only thing that can overcome that deep down fear of public shame is the opportunity to go on a television show, podcast, or YouTube channel and share your encounter. Yes, always be more willing to share your story with a nationally broadcast Bigfoot podcast than with your own wife.
Example; “This is the first time I’ve ever told this story…so whatever you do don’t ask any of my friends or family if I’ve ever even mentioned it to them. They’ll tell you no. That’s, of course, not because I’m just making it up on the spot…I was afraid that they’d point at me and laugh. I’m sensitive. I’m only telling you now because I know the internetz is a safe place where no one will make fun of me…”
9) Last, but certainly not least, make sure you don’t overlook important facts surrounding your encounter. It is true that most people will blindly accept your story as fact and never question a word you say. Most will follow your story without second guessing a single word, allowing you to lead them to and fro in whatever way you see fit. When you say “jump” they’ll jump and when you say “pay” they’ll pay. However, there will be those who just won’t fall in line and be good little “Squatchers”. Because of this, make sure you remember things like the time of year your encounter took place, the geographical location, the time, and even the moon phase and position.
That last one can get you in trouble.
Have some more tips for creating your own encounter out of thin air? Post them in the comments below!